What On Earth Is A War Of A Spanish Succession???

Once upon a time there was king named Louis. Louis happened to think very highly of himself. He believed he was the kingyist, king to ever king a kingdom. Louis had a very big ego. If you ever read the children's book, King Hugo's Huge Ego by Chris Van Dusen you have pretty good idea of what Louis was like. They even look and dress a lot alike.

King Louis XIV of France

Source: Wikipedia, labeled for reuse. Accessed 8/1/20. Link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Louis_XIV

King Hugo

Cover: King Hugo's Huge Ego by Chris Van Dusen

King Hugo liked to look in the mirror and admire himself. King Louis liked to imagine himself to be as splendid as the Sun. Hence all those around him called him "The Sun King". King Hugo liked to give daily speeches that all his subjects had to listen to. King Louis made all his nobles live in his beautiful palace of Versailles where they had to wait on him and listen to him all day.

However, unlike King Hugo, Louis didn't have a witch to put a curse on him and make his head swell with every self-serving thought or remark he would make about himself. No, and because of that he probably became more pig headed than King Hugo ever could.

What made it even worse was that Louis ruled a very powerful country. He was King of France. It had lots of people, lots of wealth and a really, really big army. No wonder King Louis thought himself so wonderful with all this going for him. 

Before I go on, King Louis's full name was Louis XIV (14th). This is because, just like being a junior, he was a junior 14 times over! His father's name was Louis. His grandfather's name was Louis. His great-grandfather's name was Louis and on and on back 13 Louis before him. If you'd like to know his family name, it was Bourbon. So, If he were a commoner he would simply be Louis Bourbon.

King Louis had a neighbor kingdom to his own. It was ruled by a man who was hardly like Louis. His name was Charles Hapsburg and he was King of Spain. Charles (or Carlos as the Spanish would call their king) and Louis were both cousins to each other but Carlos suffered from a tragic life. Carlos was severely handicapped. He suffered from deformity caused by something called inbreeding. 

Now inbreeding is a sin and God, through the Bible, warned people not to do this. Inbreeding is where closely related family members marry each other and have children together. Carlos had grand parents that were close cousins that married each other and even an uncle and niece that married each other. They did this because they didn't want any inheritances of land, wealth, or kingdoms going outside the Hapsburg family.

Poor Charles, because his ancestors didn't listen to God they caused their future child to be very ill and deformed. Charles had a very long chin that stuck out and made him look very ugly, so ugly he even scared his own wife! He couldn't speak well or swallow solid food. He was mentally retarded and could not have children of his own. Sadly, people back then didn't know how bad inbreeding was. They believed, and so did Charles, that he had been cursed by a witch at birth (kinda like King Hugo but not as a kind of a witch). He was called "El Hechizado" or Charles the Cursed.

Charles II of Spain

Source: Flickr, labeled for reuse. Accessed 8/1/20. Link: https://www.flickr.com/photos/70125105@N06/27293350217

Being so ill and deformed poor Charles died at the young age of 39 in 1700. 

Now, Charles's kingdom was just as powerful as France. He ruled not only Spain but the Netherlands (although were rebelling against him) and Germany. Spain also had colonies in America and the Pacific. It had lots of people, lots of money, and it had a good sized army, too. 

Since poor Charles didn't have any children of his own his kingdom was going to be ruled by a new king, called a "successor", hence a succession to the Spanish throne. The next person closely related to Charles to become King of Spain was a fellow named Philippe. 

Philippe just happened to be the grandson of Louis XIV. Oh no! Now we got a really big problem. Philippe lives at Versailles under his grandfather. Louis's head, if it could swell, would probably be as big as half the planet! He was now not only going to rule France but also, through his grandson, all that Spanish land as well. Louis wasn't looking at being a Sun King anymore, but a Sun Emperor! When Louis found out he was so excited he practically peed himself (which wouldn't be impossible as there weren't a lot of water closets/restrooms at Versailles).

However, the other kings of Europe were not having it! There was no way that King William of England or King Charles of Austria or any of the the other kings were going to bow down and kiss Louis's delicate little toes! They discovered another relative of Charles who could also be a successor to the Spanish throne. This was an Austrian man who also happened to be named Charles. All these other kings decided to back this relative to be the new King of Spain. Now there were two people that claimed to be the new king.

This lead to a war called the War of the Spanish Succession. Would Louis the XIV win the war and become the master of Europe and force all the kings and queens of other countries to live at Versailles as well? Would they have to come to King Louis and tell him he was as splendid as the sun, too? Would France then be the biggest, most powerful country in the world? Or would the Grand Alliance of England, Austria, the Dutch and others come together and stop Louis's plan?

Well, the war went on a very long time, 13 years in fact. It was fought in the Netherlands, Italy, Germany and Spain. About a 500,000 to a million people died in the war. France came very close to winning as they marched their big army on Austria but a very good English general named John Churchill (yep, he's a grand daddy to Winston Churchill). lead a British Army to stop him and did so at a battle near a German city called Blenheim. He got to be Duke of Marlborough for his many brave deeds both before and during this war. A big palace was built for him in England called Blenheim Palace and can be visited today. 

Marlborough signing the Blenheim dispatches. Labeled for reuse, Accessed 8/1/20 Link: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Marlborough_signing_the_Blenheim_dispatch.PNG

What were the results of this war? Well, Louis didn't do too bad. His grandson, Philippe did get to be King of Spain. However, the French and Spanish thrones had to be kept separate so Louis didn't get to control his grandson. The British got Gibraltar and still control it to this day. Spain lost it's land in the Netherlands (except that controlled by the Dutch Republic) and Italy to Austria. The French lost territory in Canada, namely, Newfoundland and Nova Scotia (Acadia), to the British. Spain and France still kept most of their colonies and were not completely weakened by the war. Basically, the kings got tired of fighting and didn't want to spend any more money on war.

In America, the war was called Queen Anne's War as she was Queen of England at the time. The French and their Native American allies would raid the English colonies. Native Americans in Georgia and Florida were the ones that really suffered as their tribes were destroyed. The war set off a boom in Caribbean piracy as kings allowed their pirates to attack the ships of their enemies. The famous pirate, Blackbeard, named his flagship the Queen Anne's Revenge which he used to raid Spanish and French shipping. However, even after the war, the pirates still kept on pirating and even attacked there own!

Oh, and if they didn't all live happily ever after than at least this is a colorful time with colorful personalities to make war games for.